Rainy Sunday in Queensland

I am almost 64% of the way through the longest stretch of not seeing my wife and kids since Angel and I were married in 2000.  On November 7th, I boarded a plane at LAX after kissing my wife and kids goodbye.  They were headed home and I was headed, quite literally, to the other side of the world.  These are my stories.

First stop: Auckland

First, I must say that New Zealand is frigging awesome.  Even their airline is great.  My trans-Pacific journey first took me into Auckland, New Zealand where I was able to spend most of the day exploring the city before my early evening flight to Brisbane.  To set the tone of NZ, let’s just say that the extreme nature of this country is something that can’t be found anywhere else.  Example: The tallest structure in Auckland is the Sky Tower which is over 1000 feet tall.  In true kiwi style, you can jump off of it.  If that wasn’t enough, there is a casino at the bottom – sweet!  I am looking forward to my return trip to NZ after Christmas which will be my 3rd visit to the extreme island nation.

DESTINATION: BRISBANE

The reason for my excursion down under is work.  I am helping one of our clients configure our software to be used for coal seam gas exploration and production.  My office is the white building on the right side of this picture showing downtown Brisbane.

Brisbane is a great city with lots to see and do despite most locals seeming to think of it as the boring sibling of Syndey.  With the Brisbane river meandering through the city, there are several interesting bridges including the notable Story Bridge. The people here are all very friendly, with a laid back attitude that welcomes foreigners with genuine warmth.

Some of the things I have learned during my first 3 weeks here:

Aussies like to shorten everything with fluffy pluralizations - for example, sunglasses are sunnies, slot machines are pokies, and a stubby is a small bottle of beer Z is not “zee”, it is “zed”, and they pretty much never use it Asian food is everywhere, and so is Subway Rugby is separated into flavors of Union and League.  Union is the upscale sport with more financial backing, etc. and League is the slightly rougher working man’s version of the sport The grocery store will invariably be closed when you need it to be open koalas really do look like they are wasted all day long the most confusing part about driving on the left side of the road is that all of the stuff in the car is reversed including the turn signals and radio volume When it comes to cricket, the answer to the question of “Who’s winning?” is entirely more complicated than an American can comprehend Tipping is neither compulsory or expected in Brisbane – which is helpful since everything is more expensive than in Houston When it comes to food or drink, “hot” is Australian for tongue scalding – let is set for a minute, mate!

Brisbane is a great city for walking around, and has some really cool restaurants and bars as well.  As with any city, there are distinct neighborhoods that have their own culture and style.  So far, my favorite has been Fortitude Valley as it has the highest concentration of mountaineering outfitter stores, swanky clubs and bars, and restaurants that have something other than Chinese food.

Utah 'Boarding: Easy as 1-2-3

Arrival

Flying into the Salt Lake Valley is always an inspiring experience for me.  Lately, I have become less inclined to look out the window during flight due to the typical monotony and blandness of the topography on most flights.  Seeing the Wasatch jetting out from the expanse that was once the bed of Lake Bonneville is always a window-worthy event.

The peaks that I have scaled in the past stand firm with their majestic profiles watching over the residents below.  Lone Peak, Twin Peak, and Mount Olympus make the eastern skyline of Salt Lake City a memorable one.

This year's snowboarding expedition saw slope appearances by Clay, Cam, Keith, Gary, Camille, and Richie.  The weather was perfect, which made up for a bit less snow than we would have hoped, so all things considered the conditions were good.

Of course, no trip home would be complete without a rendezvous will all of my friends from Murray High School.  Tom & Ratty organized a gathering a The Point After to watch some UFC action and catch up on lost time.  It was great to see everyone, especially those I have only recently re-connected with.

February 1st: Snowbird

A 9:00am meeting at Mom's got us started on Super Bowl Sunday.  After some breakfast tacos and coffee, we loaded up the Durango and headed up Little Cottonwood Canyon.  For years, I have boasted about the proximity of Salt Lake to the ski resorts and that my Mom's place is only 20 minutes from Snowbird.  Even with Keith being late, we still made it on the lifts by 10am.  Thanks to Camille, we were able to hook up some extremely discounted passes and the day began perfectly.

Mineral Basin was tracked up and made for some choppy runs, but we still made a good day of it.  Most of the day was spent between Peruvian and Mineral Basin with one trip up the tram and a few runs beneath Gadzoom.

I wouldn't be doing the picture above justice if I didn't mention that Keith completely ate it about 2 seconds after this photo was snapped.  Trying to strike a pose, he lost his balance and fell over onto the concrete surrounding the conveyor belt that was taking us through the tunnel to Mineral Basin.  Of course, standing back up in a situation like this is nearly impossible.  Whether it was the tired quads or hysterical laughter, Keith couldn't seem to make it back onto his feet.  After narrowly escaping a certain ankle injury to either Keith or myself, he threw down a reverse ninja roll and hopped back onto the conveyor belt.  It will be impossible to ever ride through that tunnel again without a chuckle.

February 2nd: Powder Mountain

Of all of the times I have been on the slopes in Utah, There are still a few resorts I have never ascended: Snow Basin, Wolf Creek, Sundance, and Brian Head remain on the list but Powder Mountain is now a patch I can rightfully sew onto my backpack.

Richie was our guide as we sped around the mountain in perfect conditions.  Despite the lack of recent snow, the resort's name is definitely not a misnomer.  We were able to skiff through more of the gnar at PM than any other day of the trip.

Since a helicopter crashed earlier that morning, I recommended to Keith that we re-think our heli-boarding plans.  The sno-cats seemed a much better idea, and at $12 a run you can't beat it.  The power was phenomenal and well worth the wait to get on the cat.

Over a foot of lightly tracked powder was waiting to meet us on the north facing slope where the cat dropped us off.  Powder was found, and it was good.  After a good day on the slopes, it was off to Richie's for some home brew.  We stopped at Carlos & Harley's on the way out for some grub and to check out the local Eden speakeasy.

February 3rd: The Canyons

By the third day on the slopes, I was in shock that my legs were still holding up.  We leisurely made our way out of the NewPark Resort hotel and made our way over the The Canyons - largest ski field in Utah.  We were once again hindered by the lack of fresh snow, but were able to ski probably the most miles of any of the days on the slopes.  With just Cam, Clay, and I and no lift lines we were able to make some pretty good tracks around the mountain.

Once again, we were able to hook up some sweet ticket deals, paying less than $50 a person.  Due to the prevalence of flat areas at the Canyons, I became quite proficient at using one of Clay's ski poles to keep up my speed.

Final Thoughts

Luckily I have an awesome wife that lets me dedicate a few days to snowboarding while she holds down the fort at home.  As infrequently as I get to hit the slopes these days, it is very important for me to not lose touch entirely with the experience of snowboarding.  I do so love her for many reasons, and this is just another one.

Additionally, I am fortunate to be on the brink of a brand new era of snowsports as the kids are now getting old enough to enjoy the mountains and learn to ski.  Jackson and Emily are already excited about learning to ski - hopefully this Christmas!

Also, I am extremely lucky to have such a great Mom that took care of us from arrival to departure.  A guy couldn't hope for a better Mom, and I am so grateful for everything she did for us this trip, and for everything she has always done for me.

I am certain that this will be just the first in a number of boarding excursions, you in on the next one???

 

See a full album of pictures (with geo-location) here:

http://picasaweb.google.com/grant.coburn/Yewtaah?authkey=colyY_K_Vpc&feat=directlink#

Anyone want to buy my SUV?

NINJA HAULER: 2005 Nissan Xterra - $12900

OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.

It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once.

It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's atow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.

My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.
Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.

To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.
Rock on.

  

   

DISCLAIMER: As much as I wish I had written this, I did not.  This was an actual Craig's List entry from November 2008.

An Analogy for the Current Financial Crisis

Suppose for a moment that you were a well-to-do landowner in the old south.  You had a sprawling estate in the beautiful woods of... say... Georgia.  Your family was not too large, but big enough to efficiently operate the estate, although you needed to bring in lots of fuel and food from neighbors.  You have an appetite to consume that is far too great for self-sufficiency.

A hurricane has begun.  It is not safe to be outside, but luckily your house was built sturdy and should remain intact.

Father has been out hunting and using up much of the potable water, so supplies were low.  Not to mention the fact that father has pissed some neighbors off by poaching game on their land.

So you are hunkered down to ride out the storm.  You hope that you have enough water to make it through, but you aren't sure.  This storm is pretty impressive in scale and duration.

Then all of a sudden, the bottom falls out...

What!  Wally started a fire in the game room!  Damn, I knew that kid was up to no good.  I've told that incorrigible brat time and time again to stop playing with fire, but he never learns.  This is not the first time that Wally's antics have cost the whole family.

The fire has begun, and appears to have the potential to bring down the entire house if it isn't stopped.  This is the worst fire since the Great Fire of the previous century.

So, of course, the irresponsible Wally comes running to the cousins to ask them to pool all of their water together and throw it on the fire.   This will require that everyone in the household give up their precious, and much needed, water.

If you don't use your water to put out the fire, it will likely burn the whole house down - and then where will you be?  If you do use the water, who knows if it will even stop the fire?  You could then be stuck in the middle of a hurricane with no shelter and no water.  Even worse, your neighbors won't help you.  It doesn't matter that you help them all of the time.  They'll turn their back on you and watch you perish.  Their only regret will be that they don't get handouts anymore.

Uncle Pauly since he is a fire expert and knows exactly how much water it will take to stop the fire: 700 gallons.  Do we put all of the water on at once?  Where do we throw it?  Uncle Ben has some firefighting experience, and has studied fires like this in the past... but every fire is different.

700 gallons!  Damn you, Wally!

Making Lemonade...

So hurricane Ike is bearing down on us today, and after the preparations were made I thought it was time to have a little fun. I decided, as they say, to make lemonade out of lemons. Now, I have often complained that Houston has no gravity. In this sense, I mean that there are no hills in which one can generate speed on a bike, skateboard, or any other sort of personal craft. Today, we are getting plenty of wind from the pending hurricane so I thought I would take advantage of it.

The idea is simple. You duct tape 2 corners of a sheet to your roller blades and grab the other 2 with outstretched arms. Voila! You've made a human sail:



It would be nice if it worked a little better going forward, but you have to let the sail bow out like a boat sail. I guess the design needs a little work, but here you can see the test run:

Being back in Mumbai, India has been a satisfactory experience so fare on this, my second trip. I think I am finally getting used to everything here in India. The traffic doesn’t surprise me, and I pretty much expect (and get a kick out of) the constant inconsistencies in everything from food to security procedures. No hassle at the airport this time around since I just went right through the x-ray scanner that caused my dual-laptop dilemma last trip.

One thing that happened today would have probably been disturbing last trip, but I actually thought it was borderline on funny. A colleague and I went over to the cricket batting cages at the mall next door to try our hand at 3 overs that were surely pure comedy to the spectating locals. On our way back to the Tunga, we were literally accosted by the begging children that are so common here in Mumbai. Normally, their advances are relatively harmless with the occasional touching of your shoes or maybe your stomach. This time, however, a tour book poking out of my pocket set a horde of the kids into a frenzy. A small girl snatched the book from my pocket as I was mostly concentrating on protecting my wallet. As I plucked it out of her hands and held it high above my head, I found myself engulfed in throngs of children pulling and my shirt and arms in a manner that was far from comfortable. On small boy was clinging to my arm so tightly that his feet were completely off the ground! We scuffled back to the safety of the hotel literally dragging the horde along.

I was smiling and laughing, which probably provoked the situation even more as the kids now seemed to view this as some kind of make-the-stupid-American-uncomfortable game. They were smiling and laughing as well, which made the situation seem less threatening and rather comical. Luckily that Hindi shouts from the security guard at the gate of the hotel dispersed the beggars, and we had a good laugh as we assessed the damage to my poor Jazz Fest T-shirt. There were smudges of street grime everywhere, and several areas where the cotton remained in a distorted shape from the small clenching fingers. I truly wish that I could help them without exacerbating the problem, but tour guides and locals alike consistently say that donations to charity are the right way to contribute to the well being of the impoverished locals.

So now I sit 7 stories above the craziness below in my safe and cozy hotel room. It is tragically unfortunate that for those kids life is so unfair. I only hope that the prosperity that India is experiencing as a country can trickle down to all of the slums, ditches, and alleyways of the Maximum City.

Ode to Tiger Balm

Oh glorious Tiger Balm, not until this morning did I appreciate your powers. Many years ago, my brother had this weird little jar of stuff that he thought was pretty cool. I had no idea what it was, what it did, or where he had gotten it from. Usually stuff my bro had was pretty cool, so I trusted his track record on this stuff. Although I never really found out what it was for, it remained interesting. Since my childhood, Tiger Balm has hidden out somewhere in the distant shelves of my mind.

My mental inventory was recalled and the memory of Tiger Balm was blown free of it's dust a couple of weeks ago while still in Mumbai. As I was at the Big Bazaar, I noticed a huge display of different types of none other than the magical balm with the tiger moniker.

As you can tell by the product description, this stuff has a wide range of uses:

Tiger Balm Soft

The younger generation who loves aromatherapy will appreciate Tiger Balm Soft. This topical analgesic ointment with a light lavender fragrance and soft texture works fast and effectively to relieve headaches, stuffy nose, insect bites, itchiness, muscular aches and pains, sprains and flatulence.

Pack Size: 25gm and 50gm

Yes, they have finally come out with a topical product that cures flatulence. I am still trying to figure out how they back up their claims on this one. I have applied some this morning on my temples to battle a hangover headache, but so far there is no progress on the flatulence.